The fact that I just had to reset my password to access this page can’t be a good sign.
Pardon the self pity, but since I wrote last things have been on the steady decline: my life is slowly coming down from the high of Buenos Aires. Simply put, I had never been so happy as I was there, and haven’t since. Funny how one moment, or a series of moments, can make you realize you never knew what the hell you were talking about, what the hell it meant to be happy, isn’t it? I’ll tell you right now, anyone who thinks they know, is living in a box.
Over the past three months, writing has been something I keep meaning to do, especially while spending Spring Break in Beijing, but eventually ends up at the bottom of my to-do list, never even close to being reached. In short, being abroad turned my world upside-down: I’m transferring schools (if any type of University will ever accept me); I was kind of dating my best friend until he stopped talking to me; and if it was up to me, I’d be running ramped on the other side of the world. Clearly, things aren’t going according to the plan. The fact that I can be in Argentina, in only two months is the only light at the end of the tunnel that is second semester sophomore year.
I’ve never led such a monotonous life as I do here; every day is identical. I feel like school is a huge waste of $50,000, and worse yet, my time. I stimulate my brain more than these classes do. You might think I’m exaggerating, but I literally have no work and am prohibited from taking a fourth language (I’m told I wouldn’t be good enough). The most notable activity of a day is seeing someone on campus that I once made out with and of course being ignored by said person on whichever sports team the universe fancies I should run into on any given day.
I dont know where I’m going to go, or end up, but somewhere different, somewhere where people will challenge me, where things aren’t easy, where the world runs at the same pace as my mind. I need to be somewhere with potential and opportunity, and sad as it might be for those who go here, I’ve exhausted this school of all it could offer me.
Onto Dilemma #2 of fifty million: the fact that I was talking to/pursuing/dating my best friend, which my trip to China somehow sent into a rapid tail spin. So, imagine late December, everything’s looking really bleak, and some drunken action made me realize I could lose this guy if I didn’t do something about it. So I did, and things were slow, and perfect: the kind of perfect where you sleep in someone’s arms and where you can’t remember ever feeling like you were less than perfect; the kind where you kiss me goodbye in the dark, but not without hesitation, reminding me of the reservation we both have in the back of our minds… the kind of perfect you think will continue forever….
Then, things change and you wonder if maybe you skipped a page, or slept through a twist in the movie. All of a sudden you’re back to square one, potentially even negative one. When do you fight to keep someone close, and when do you let pride takeover, hold onto your stubborn nature, and walk away? In this moment, I can’t decide.
So, where to from here? Maybe acting more like a reckless college student would make it all go away and I’d feel better? (MYTH). Unfortunately, running around careless and drunk is less than my style (I’ve spent the last fifty weekends going home to work, hoping to make enough money to change the life I’m living). I wish I could write that I’m moving on to better things but I’m really not: I’m propped up on my bed, checking my admissions status, waiting for him to respond, and counting down the days until I can be happy and home again: and you should know when I say home, I mean a place that’s a lot farther than an hour and a half away.