Let me set the scene of this particular Tuesday for you…
Everything that could go wrong was going wrong: first, Ginger reminded me that having a C+ in her finance class is not a good thing, and she would not lie to the college for me (I did not ask). Then, things sucked professionally (cant set myself up for trouble here!). Then, somebody broke up with me (but I WAS SINGLE). So naturally, all of these things were happening and I was pouting in my bed until my best friend was done with her “work” at 4:30.
No sooner than 4:31 she answered my call, to which I told her that we would not be going to the gym (that particular day had been our day to get back into the routine of exercising) and we in fact needed to go out and drink. Like any good friend, she complied, and we even did some productive things along the way.
Deciding to really go hard, we drove to Legacy Place. First stop, Hannah went to get her computer fixed at the apple store. In the meantime, I wandered aimlessly, until someone asked if I needed help. Without even looking, I informed this person that I had just purchased the iphone 5 and needed a new arm band for the gym I was supposed to be at. Well whoop de dee! When I finally looked at this guy, he was hot! I quickly summarized all of the highlights of my life story for him, ending with the informative “I’m really just looking to buy things I don’t need.” Everything was going great and I even started telling him about the hypothetical apartment I plan on having when Hannah interrupted, rudely asserting that I didn’t need to buy any of the things that I had accumulated while looking for things that I didn’t need to buy. I mostly wanted to buy something because the guy was cute, but turns out they actually don’t get paid on commission anyway, so it didn’t matter and we left.
Next step of the afternoon, I was still trying to execute some retail therapy and soothe my aching soul a little bit. We went to Lulu Lemon and tried on approximately every gym head band so if we ever did want to go to the gym, we could look good doing it. I looked dumb in all of them. Everyone hated us there and we asked each other if being a bitch was a requirement to be hired. We left shortly thereafter.
Innocently walking across the parking lot to Legal C Bar (our new drinking destination), some rotund forty-year-old man was chasing us down, asking if we received our gift sets. Thinking this shit was free, we stopped and were handed gift bags of some really shitty makeup – like blue-eye-shadow-shitty. This guy simply would not shut up, going on about Miami and how he’s lost just wandering around the parking lot. Hannah told it to him straight, that I love to waste money and even I didn’t want to buy what he was selling. I simply was not in the mood for such a deliquint salesperson: telling me I got ripped off on my new straightener when I really got the super-secret-price does not make me want to be your friend!!! C’mon anyone should know that. When we finally made the move to escape the torture, we made the mistake of saying we were going to get drinks, to which he said “I’ll join you”… no. Dude, do you know how old we are? Hannah’s not even 20; gross you perv. He followed up asking if we had boyfriends, I said, “mine doesn’t talk to me” (maybe because he doesn’t exist?) but Hannah swooped in and saved me, explaining that I actually have a Spanish boyfriend ….and that’s why he cant talk… ? Whatever, I cant recall the exact logic behind her point.
But this prick even had an answer to that, replying that he spoke Russian. And to that, I simply raised my eyebrows, and told him “Devushka, proshie, prochien ya” and that bitch was dumbfounded. So we turned on our heels and walked away as he scrambled to recall what little Russian his pea sized brain possessed ( I know it wasn’t that much because he didn’t understand my simple “Excuse me, miss”). And this is why I am multilingual.
Finally out of reach from our soon to be kidnapper, we sat down at Legal C Bar. I promptly explained to our waiter, Scott, that we were there to “drink our sorrows away” and explained to him the dilemmas of the day (briefly, of course). He sided with me on all counts, so I liked him right away. We enjoyed a delectable series of appetizers and drinks for the next few hours. Hal (my lovely father) left Scott a nice tip for being so understanding.
Still not having done any shopping, we ran into 344 before Hannah had to be back for a group project. She gave me five minutes to look around and tragically I bought nothing.
My message to you is that drinking is greater than working out.
Goodluck and godspeed mothaf*ckas.