I feel the need to preface this post with a disclaimer: I am not pregnant, I do not think that I’m pregnant, blah blah. (Basically, don’t start crying Mom … of either disappointment or joy, I’m not sure which you’d opt for.) 

After Tango yesterday, I went to a cafe with two of my girlfriends, where we sat in a heated outdoor garden enjoying the afternoon.  It should come as no surprise that our conversation quickly ended up being very “Sex in the City,” as one of my friends also has an Argentine guy, and obviously, like my mom always says, our generation clearly only thinks about sex and alcohol. (I also think about world conflict and skin disease, just for the record) 

So we’re sitting in our wicker chairs, chat chat chatting, reflecting on the past, and all of the stupid ass things we did when we were little (littler) girls. We ended up on the topic of pregnancy scares, which almost every girl (who’s irresponsible and hoe-y) can relate to (don’t be offended, I include myself.) Damn, and I tell you I thought I had it bad…

One of these girls got a false positive after a one night stand. Can you even imagine the horror? Literally, I told her “You must’ve thought your life was over,” as if you didn’t already when you finally worked up the courage to buy and take a pregnancy test. 

Obviously, we were all petrified. My point here is that I want to rant about pregnancy tests: who do you people think you are!!!!! False positives are simply not acceptable, EVER! I imagine two possible situations in which people take pregnancy tests: 1) if you’re young and praying to God your period is just irregular, or 2) if you’re old (26, or however old you are when you want a baby) and you really want to get preggies. EITHER WAY: a false positive totally sucks!!! In the case of my friend (sitch #1) she had to call this kid and tell him she was having his baby. It gets worse… he thought she was kidding. Literally I would have been sobbing which is so embarrassing to cry in front of a guy you had sex with and don’t know (not that I would know, but I imagine). I guess this bridge would have to be crossed if you guys were going to parent a fake child together.

Anyway, these companies (First Response and other ones – I don’t know I don’t often browse the pregnancy tests, thank God) have one fucking job: to create a stick for us to pee on to determine the rest of our lives. Literally, how is your entire company working toward the same SIMPLE objective and you can’t even do it? I’m so mad that false positives exist that I am now boycotting pregnancy tests forever. If I get preggers, its gonna be one of those situations on the TLC show “I didn’t know I was pregnant” .. because I vehemently oppose false positives and refused to take a test. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that the testing companies are being paid off by those advocating Abstinence, to make false positives and convince us all that sex is evil and scary. HATE TO BURST THAT BUBBLE! 

Okay, but seriously, don’t have sex because then you might miss your period and have to take a pregnancy test and get a false positive in which point you would most likely go into cardiac arrest, putting your inexistent fetus in danger. 

Suerte, and ojito.